Insomnia
by nothingnothingtralala
Summary: 'It's like we've forgotten how to be sisters, if we ever really knew.' Elsa can't sleep. Waking Anna is a logical step, but it takes courage to break the silence.


_A/N: When I can't sleep, I write stories about people who can't sleep._

_This story is set shortly after the events of Frozen happen - maybe about a week. Things have been cleared up, people apologised to; the dust has begun to fall. But there are still far too many things unsaid. You can't pretend that a lifetime of silence didn't happen..._

* * *

This all feels so familiar, but it's backwards. This time it's not her knocking on my door.

I raise my hand, clench it into a fist: let it fall.

_You're scared_, I say derisively to myself. But it's true. I am.

It's my own fault. A door shouldn't be a barrier between us. If I'd just let her in any of those times she had knocked, we wouldn't be having any of these problems. We wouldn't be awkwardly tiptoeing round each other, even now, after everything is over and all has been forgiven. If I had just opened the door to her once, I could be sure she'd do the same to me now.

I bite my lip. I could just forget this and go back to bed, but that's exactly what I'm trying to escape right now. And this awkward, friendly, unsisterly tension between us has to end at some point. We keep being too polite to each other — asking questions like _how has your day been?_ and _would you like to join me for dinner_? It's like we've both forgotten how to be sisters, if we ever really knew.

I scrunch up my nose, and knock. Just once, just lightly, and then immediately regret it.

Silence.

"Anna?"

My voice is louder than I thought it would be in the silence; I cringe. I should definitely just go back to bed. This is stupid.

"Elsa?"

She pulls open the door and blinks at me through bleary, sleep-heavy eyelids. She's wearing a green nightgown that looks far more comfortable than the white starched things the servants lay out for me, and I've never seen her red hair quite so… exuberant.

"What are you doing here?" she mumbles unceremoniously, and half of me is happy that her uncertain politeness has vanished, though the rest of me just wants to run away now that the barriers are down. _Tell the truth. You can do it. _

"I can't sleep," I say. She frowns, and then rubs an eye with a fist.

"Huh?"

This is all going wrong. I take a deep breath. "I… I really need to be around someone right now."

"Oh." Anna regards me dubiously, then stands back and pulls the door open wider. "Do… do you wanna come in?"

_No_. _I can figure this out on my own. I don't need your help._ I clench my jaw. "Yes, please."

Walking over the threshold is like a tiny victory. I did it. I asked for help. Now what?

Anna seems to have woken up a bit more; she tries to tame her hair into a semblance of normality, and gives up when it springs back, crazier than ever. I'm jealous of its wilfulness; my hair does whatever I tell it to. Anna's hair is just as bubbly and impulsive as she is. No sane person would describe me as bubbly and impulsive. _Stand-offish and suppressed, more like it_.

_Shut up, Elsa._

"So…" Anna lets the word fall awkwardly into the silence, and I can tell she immediately regrets it. "Uh, I mean, sit down?" She pulls a face. "Sorry. I'm not trying to be weird, I just, uh, I don't know what to do."

I perch on the bed, neatly, envying the way she flings herself down and grabs a cushion to hug. Why can't I be like that? She's so comfortable with who she is. "I don't either," I confess. "I guess neither of us are used to this."

"I guess not." Anna fiddles with the embroidery on the cushion. "So why can't you sleep?"

I don't answer immediately. It's not an easy question. I open my mouth, but close it again. The words won't come out. I wait for Anna to be confused, to press the issue, to ask me what the hell is wrong with me. Instead, her face softens, and she reaches out and presses a warm hand over my fingers.

"Hey. It's okay. You don't have to talk about it until you're ready," she says encouragingly.

Embarrassingly, I feel tears sting my eyes. "Okay," I say tightly. _This is mortifying. _

But Anna doesn't seem to care. She props her chin up with one hand, tips her head to the side, and starts talking.

"You know, I'm starting to think I made the wrong decision about Kristoff. Like, I know he's happy to be the Master Ice Gatherer and Deliverer of Arendelle but I don't know… it's not great preparation for living in the palace. I mean we've only been dating for five days but I totally know he's the one. Isn't that awesome? I thought it was like that with Hans, but this is so unbelievably different. It's kind of like I love him and hate him at the same time, because man he is _soooo_ annoying, but he's my best friend and I just never want to be away from him. Is that crazy? Probably is."

I stare at her, wide-eyed, panicking. What do I say to this? Is this girl talk? Do I just murmur something noncommittal or is she actually expecting a reply? My grip on the blanket goes frosty, and with an effort I will it back. I can do this, right? Be a sister? _Why don't they teach you this stuff instead of blathering on about court etiquette?_

"Um, I don't think it's crazy," I say hesitantly. "It just sounds like you're in love."

Anna rolls over onto her back and sighs happily. "Yeah, I guess I am. Life is weird, isn't it? It happened so quickly. One minute he was just this sorta iffy-smelling oaf with a big nose, and then somehow he's… well he's still all of that, but he's _Kristoff. _And I can't imagine him any other way."

"He seems very nice," I venture. My knowledge of Kristoff currently comprises one highly awkward dinner together at the palace, and that's about it. He didn't know how to use a fork properly. But I suppose you can't condemn people for their table manners. And anyway, it's quite obvious he's head over heels for Anna, which is kind of cute.

"Oh, he is. I always used to imagine that when I fell in love, it would be with this tall, handsome, romantic guy… actually, a bit like Hans was."

"Yes, I can't imagine why you fell for him then," I say wryly. To my astonishment, Anna chucks the cushion at me, and _laughs_.

"Hey, no need to be rude," she says. "Hans was — is — an idiot. But Kristoff is like the opposite to my dream guy. Maybe that's why I like him so much." She grins goofily up at the ceiling. Then she sits up. "Brr, my feet are getting chilly. C'mon, snuggle up in the blanket with me!"

I get up as she burrows deeper into the bed, and stare when she pats the pillow next to her. "But I don't get cold," I say, confused.

Anna rolls her eyes. "Elsa, it's not about being cold, it's about being _cosy_. Snuggle!"

I obey, and even though the cold doesn't bother me, it _is_ kind of nice to feel the warmth seeping into my feet. Anna pulls the blanket up until it comes right up to our chins, and gives me a conspiratorial look. "D'you know what this reminds me of?"

"No?"

She looks disappointed. "Don't you remember that time we made a fort on the roof? You climbed up the balcony and I threw blankets and stuff up to you, and then you pulled me up on a sheet. And we stayed in there for hours, just talking. You read me stories. And Mama and Papa were _furious_ when they found out. They'd been searching the palace for hours, and they thought we would fall to our deaths."

"You… you _remember _that?" I'm astounded. Anna must have been only about three or four then. I know Grand Pabbie gave her back her true memories of when we were little, but I hadn't realised how far they extended.

"Sure I do! I followed you everywhere. I thought you were the most wonderful person in the whole wide world." Anna grins at me, and I realise she's not trying to make me feel guilty. She's just telling me the truth.

"Gail nearly had a heart attack," I remember. "We knew it was her who told on us, so the next day we decided to get her back. You tripped her up into a chair and I froze her there."

"Yes!" Anna laughs heartily. "It was the best. I was so jealous of how you could do such cool stuff."

I smile. "You know, if I could trade it, I would."

Anna's brows crease. "What? No, Elsa, that's stupid." Suddenly, she's completely serious. "You're you because of your powers. You can't wish them away, it just doesn't work like that. Please don't say that."

I don't know how to reply. Also, I'm terrified the tears welling up in my eyes will roll down my nose if I say anything. "Okay," I manage to squeak.

"I mean it," she insists. "You can't let what happened to you turn you into someone who's ashamed of herself. I love you the way you are, Elsa!"

I can feel my chin wobbling. How embarrassing. "I love you too," I half laugh, half sob. There's a moment of silence, and then Anna giggles.

"Sorry," she says unrepentantly, "it's just you sounded so funny." She pinches her nose and imitates my tone. "I lobe you doo." It's my turn to throw a pillow at her.

"You're so mean!" The danger has passed, though. I'm not going to cry. Actually, I feel more like laughing. The thought strikes me as odd. I haven't done much laughing, ever, in fact. And in that moment I understand: what I once thought of as liberating wasn't true; I was just trying to fence myself in again, alone. _This_ is what it means to be free. Being happy with someone you love.

The sudden realisation gives me courage, and when we calm down again I just blurt it out. "I have really bad insomnia, and it's horrible."

Anna looks at me in shock. "Oh, Elsa…"

The words start to fall out of me. "At first I feel really tired, but then I just lie awake for hours and hours. And that wouldn't be so bad, but at night is when… when the bad thoughts come."

"The bad thoughts?"

I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know how to find words for the crippling insecurities that come to light when my eyes close, the guilt and fear and dread that are waiting in the dark to pounce on me when I go to bed. It's got to the point now where I'm scared to turn off the light, where I'm putting off my bedtime by writing letters or tidying up my room out of pure cowardice. "It's like there are… voices whispering in my ears, and no matter how hard I try not to listen, I can't stop."

"What do they say?"

"Th-that I'm a terrible person. That no one likes me. That no one trusts me because of what I did. They tell me I'm a monster. I don't deserve love. And then I just replay all of the worst things I've ever done in my mind, and…" The blasted tears are back. I will _not_ cry. I am a Queen! I close my eyes, willing them and the ice in my fingertips to go away. "I… I see you. I've hurt you twice now. I nearly killed you. I _am_ a monster. You'd all be better off without me."

Anna doesn't say anything, but her eyes are shining with tears too. Without a warning, she grabs me and hugs me fiercely, and I can feel her body shaking. It's the last straw. I break down in the most unladylike way possible on her shoulder, and cry until I have no tears left. She is warm and comforting and solid, and I don't want to let go of her because I can feel all my pain and fear disappearing with her embrace.

"It's not true," she keeps saying as she pats me on the back. "None of it is true. No one blames you. Or the ones that do don't know you like I do. I _know_ you would never willingly do anything to put me in danger."

"But that's exactly what I did," I hiccup. Anna draws back and waits for me to look at her.

"Elsa," she says firmly, "you're an idiot."

I'm so taken aback that I just blink. "What?"

"You're an idiot," she repeats. "We're _sisters_. Of course we have fights and get mad and go a bit crazy. But that's okay. It's what family does. At the end of the day, we stick together. You're not a monster, and that's the end of it. Okay?"

"Okay," I sniffle. Anna looks satisfied.

"Now snuggle back into the duvet and calm down," she orders.

I tuck myself right under the blanket. All the tension has gone out of me. Now that I've said it out loud, I feel slightly ridiculous for making such a big deal over the loss of a few hours of sleep. Come to think of it, I'm exhausted — not that that's surprising, when I've slept about three hours every night for the past week.

"Better?" inquires my sister in a maternal tone, as she copies me and snuggles into the bed.

"Mmm." My eyes are so heavy. But instead of that creeping dread, waiting for the voices to come back and the terrible feelings to sit on my chest, I just feel… tired. It's an amazing feeling. "You're gonna make an awesome mother one day, Anna."

She sits bolt upright in an instant, and I make a protesting sound as she dislodges the blankets from their comfy nest around me. "What did you just say, Queen Elsa of Arendelle?"

"Mmmmm." Anna's bed must be way more comfortable than mine. Or perhaps it's just the knowledge that I'm not alone any more. I don't think I'll ever have to be alone again.

"Did you just talk about me having _kids_? Because, _woah_, it's craaaaazy soon to be discussing that now. Like Kristoff hasn't even told me he loves me out loud yet, even though I'm pretty sure he does — okay scratch that, I know he does. So kids are — but oh, imagine how cute a little baby Kristoff would be! With my hair. Or maybe his hair and my eyes. Or…"

My eyes are already closed. _Thank you, Anna,_ I think with an effort, and then the darkness pulls me into its tender embrace, and at last — at long, long last — I fall asleep.


End file.
